Rainy evenings

On a rainy evening, walking on the footpath with my umbrella feeling a strange sense of nostalgia and out of nowhere, you crept in my thoughts…I hadn’t thought of you like this in a long time, I think of you every now and then in passing but today you were really breaking down all the walls I had put around your memories…

To be honest, I haven’t really learnt how to move on, I put a brave front and convince myself that I have moved on but on days like these all my resolve goes straight out of the window…

I was trying to remember the sound of your voice, and then desperately looked through my phone to see if I can find any of your recordings but I didn’t, so I decided to just rely on my memory.

The first thing I remembered was something you always told me “you are my life” such a strong statement, isn’t it…I believed you every time you said that to me…what happened how and when did it change?

I scratch my brain to understand how can someone who swears by the love he had for me, can hurt me in ways no one ever has, I wonder if knowing answers to these questions will change anything, will it hurt less or will it hurt even more or will it make no difference at all!!

All these questions! And I might never get an answer to any of these questions, I hope you do realize how broken you left me, and the pain you caused, I want you to realize what you did.

And I wish I can erase you from my memories altogether, as if you never existed, as if I never met you, all the happy memories I have of you seize to matter every time I think of you cheating on me.

I sometimes feel I’m going to spend an eternity just trying to let go of the rage and anger I have towards you and towards me for being so naive, you ripped my heart open and I’m still trying to stitch it back.

There is never a justification to cheat on someone, you can never make it ok, but I hope I can…that I can make my heart ok and move on!!